the life of a wannabe mountaineer

the final verdict

2006-11-22T05:18:00.000-08:00

Renita Fernandez 06-037, Sheena Belle Fenix 06-023, Michelle Kristine Fenix 06-030 – we recommend granting deferred inductee status provided that the minimum requirement of said status (must complete 2 training climbs, a 15-kilometer run, and an induction climb in accordance to next year’s BMC schedule) are met. You will also be scheduled to join the runs of next year's course to augment your training and running capacity. Runs only.

emotion:calm
reaction: no comment
decision: undecided

no bitter thoughts. no emotional breakdown. no harsh words. i am so over it.

i do want to finish what i started. i want the feel of that dogtag hanging in my neck. i want the tears to fall and the laughter to reach the skies when i finally get inducted...BUT a lot can happen still. june is a distant future for someone like me who only plans as far ahead as next week's dinner. i maybe heading on to new adventures by then or i maybe off to new wonderful places or i may still have the same old pathetic life of mine... so yeah, all i'm saying is I AM HOPING to have the time and energy and will to continue this next year and i would as long as circumstances permit.

gawd...i miss carrying my pack. i miss all the pre-climb jitters and preparation. i miss trying to hide in my bush hat. i miss setting up tents. i miss AMCI people.

but this li'l unemployed girl has to focus on finding a job first, a salary to fund this "sport" and of course my love, thirst, addiction to.....SHOES!!!!!!

why i cried...

2006-10-22T05:44:00.000-07:00

i was doing a good job at fighting back the tears until Nette looked at me and said "naiiyak na siya" and boom! tears dropped one after the other. Shit, with the members scattered in every corner it really wasn't the time and place for that. and without the people i draw strength from i really couldn't stop those stupid tears.

"you have to do 2 training climbs, one 15km untimed and IC so that YOU CAN PROVE TO US that you really want to join AMCI". With no intent of disrespect to anyone but what kind of bullshit is that??? I was prepared for a third 15k, I was prepared for these conditions that they ask, I was even prepared for the worst that is the denial of membership but heck that was something I never even anticipated: To be questioned of my desire to join AMCI???? I was there all throughout. I gave it everything that I could possibly give. I followed the rules even if I didn't agree with it. I abandoned my comfort zone. I treated everyone with respect, even the ones who didn't really grasp the idea of the word. I did EVERYTHING that was asked of me. I didn't do any shortcuts, I didn't even try to bend the rules. I GAVE IT MY BEST. Yes, I can look you all in the eye and say that I DID BEST. And for what? to be questioned of my dedication?

I could have been deemed unworthy and that would have been ok to me. I would have smiled and said thank you anyways if they told me that I just wasn't good enough or fit enough to be a part of their organization. My worth as a mountaineer was for them to decide but my desire and commitment wasn't.

Implying that I just didn't want it enough? Tell that to the doctor who said that she cannot grant me a medical certificate for some health reasons. tell that to my family who I haven't spent Sundays with since June. Tell that to my sister who had to wait for hours to get picked up from work because we have a meeting. Tell that to the people whose birthdays I missed because I was expected to attend the BMC. Tell that to my best friend who I didn't get to say goodbye to when she left for the US because I still have my training. Tell that to my mom who I get into a fight with every single Wednesday because we were home late yet again.

And what about Nette and my sister? Didn't they want it enough too? Haven't they proven themselves still? Despite their injuries, they ran. despite the obvious pain, they ran. despite the odds of making it they were there TWICE. Dismiss my efforts if you must but not theirs. Dismiss my desire all you want but not their's. Their determination is undeniable, their enthusiasm evident.

With all due respect to my batchmates and all those who fought for my case, i'm sorry but I am done proving myself. i HAVE proven myself. I am not being an arrogant bitch or a spoiled brat but that's it for me. I rest my case. i am done appealing. And I would never beg because in doing so I would have thrown out the window everything that I have gained from this experience.

AMCI has become a part of my life but AMCI would never consume my life. it would have been great to be a part of AMCI but life would most definitely still go on perfectly without it.

Cheesily i sing " i did my best but i guess my best wasn't good enough....."

letter of appeal

2006-10-22T05:43:00.000-07:00

Mr. Arnel Gabilan
Chairman of the Board
AMCI Mountaineering Club Inc.

Dear Mr. Gabilan

I am writing to make an appeal with regards to my pending status as an inductee. As you know by know, I have failed in my two attempts to complete the 15km run within the allotted time of two hours. This is the only requirement that hinders me to formally join the organization.

I was never a strong runner to begin with. And even though I was amongst the slowest runner, I did my best to complete the required distance per training session. I did what was expected of me. Despite my fear of heights, I faced the challenges of this training with enthusiasm (though it was not immediately apparent with the tears I shed). I climbed when they said climb. And I jumped when they said jump. I did 15 km when they said 15km, twice.

The training was never a walk in the park for me. truth be told, it shoved me the greatest challenges I had to face. I never knew that I could rappel five floors down but I did, I never even thought I could climb a hill but here I am with three summits in my list. But more than anything this training, this organization, allowed me to experience a world that is so unlike the one I was used to. It was never a test of strength but a test of spirits. I am still here now, still with the same eagerness and enthusiasm, still willing to face the challenges that this sport can offer.

If you were to ask me now why I should be allowed a membership in this organization, it's the simple reason that AMCI has become a part of my life.

And hopefully, I too can be a part of AMCI.

Sincerely yours,
Sheena Belle Fenix
B2k6-23

letter of intent

2006-10-22T05:40:00.000-07:00

THE BMC COMMITTEE
AMCI Mountaineering Club Inc.

Dear AMCI people:

I wish to express my genuine intention to apply for membership in your organization despite my two failed attempts in completing the 15km run in the allotted 2hours.

I came in this training clueless but with eagerness much like that of a kid. I did not know what to expect and was perceived by many as most likely to quit. And although my emotions got the best of me a number of times in the duration of the training, I did what was expected of me. I have never been the athletic type and was concerned in the beginning about all the running required. But being an altophobic, I soon realized running was the least of my worries (the training made sure of that). Still I was there all through out the wall-climbing and rappelling. Surprisingly, I did find myself enjoying the experiences the mountains have to offer. The three training climbs never came easy for me, but I took all the challenges with a brave heart. I would have joined the fourth climb if only circumstances permitted. Most importantly, I fell in love with the people. The sense of camaraderie that the organization has inspired is truly remarkable. I have only been a semi-part of this organization in less than 5 months but already I trust them with my life. Admittedly, there were instances of misunderstandings but let's face it what organization is complete without a little bit of intrigue.

This sport used to be a whole other world to me but now it has become a part of my world. There's still a lot I can discover, so much more experiences waiting for me and I would love to take those journey with the prestigious AMCI people.

And if you were to ask me, what someone like me can offer to the organization... isn't it apparent in my letter? It's all the drama. And if that's not really enough, I can provide the "campfire entertainment" as well, just no singing and dancing.

sincerely yours,
Sheena Belle Fenix
b2k6 - 023

i gave myself a half a pat in the back

2006-10-08T21:09:00.000-07:00

wednesday night, pops came up to me and asked for my time during the run... i happily replied 34 minutes. "hahatakin ka na lang namin" he said. unlike my fellow trainees, i was completely at ease with the upcoming 15k. i was more nervous with my make up for the stove operation than the run, i was aiming for the certificate. at that point i was 75-25 decided on not joining AMCI and gave myself till Friday to think it through. waiting patiently for some sort of epiphany. and it came..but 2 days a little too late.

mountaineering was never meant as a long term sport for me, it just came at the right time. i was seeking for something different, an adventure and it landed straight at my door. i wanted something to spice up my life..what better way to do that than to step away from my own element. my friends were shocked when they found out, but i was even more surprised when i found myself enjoying the whole thing...climbing walls, dangling in ropes and plants, sleeping in tents. it was all new to me. and of course, meeting different people is always a welcome experience. but not so soon after, the excitement slowly fade away... it became a routine. and the more i thought about it, the more i realized "maybe it just ain't for me". all these running and strenous activity is just not a part of who i am. i did despise these things once upon a time. not that i still do, but i don't think i'll ever "love" it.

but i am proud of myself, though a whole lot of people may disagree. i ran, or walk whichever you want it, that 15k not for anyone but myself. i finished what i started, i went through everything that i had to go through. that fading yellow line represented so much more than the finish line, it was the wonderful end to this beautiful adventure. i could have stopped at any time during the training, many have predicted that i would but i didn't. i jumped when they said jump, i climbed when they said climb and even if i dint run when they said run, i did 6 rounds when they said 6 rounds.

with tears and a smile i say to you AMCI people, thank you for the great adventure. and to the soon to be members, congrats and my humblest appreciation to all of you.

memory loss

2006-10-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

She woke up confuse and nauseated, something was not right. With no recollection of how she got inside her tent or how she changed into the shirt she's wearing, she slowly got up. No, that was not such a good idea because as soon as she did her head started spinning. "what the hell happened???" she thought as she tried to cough out the mouthful of sand stuck in her throat. "where am i???" gradually, she started to recall the previous day.

There was a bus with batch 2k6 aboard, all frantically reviewing for the final exam. With the AMCI hymn barely heard in the background, everyone tried to absorb any bit of information that they could. You could hear the words "panu nga ulit yung tautline" and "sino nga ulit un sa committee" being repeated over and over again. But knowing she already suck up all that she could from her notes, she opted for a goodnight's sleep instead. Barely an hour into the ride, the trainees have settled down and only a few were up to watch the movie being played.

They reached Laiya a few minutes after sunrise. Once they were done gulping down their breakfast, they were at it again. Manuals, ropes and cravat were out. Questions were flying about once more. And even after Alman repeatedly announced that the exam was about to start and all notes should be kept, people were still trying to sneak a glances on their manuals.

Armed with their compasses and maps, and some with umbrellas, each group made their way to the designated stations. Group D, her group, was ready to go wherever their bearing may take them. But three hours since they started pursuit there was still no sign of the first station. Three times they passed that bridge before they got a text saying "I see you". Genie, her GL, finally concluded that Bajay was lurking behind the trees, ducking just in time so we won't see them. Suddenly they heard Pops exclaim, "nandidto sila". This time Bajay wasn't able to duck in time… after making slight booboos on following the trail signs and answering some questions, they were given their next coordinates. Off to the next station they went. She was dreading and hoping to see her crush there but thankfully he was station hopping as well. After three bandages, one carry and one very entertaining BEAM song from TeeJay, they plotted their next target. It was roughly 2-3km walk. The group joked about riding the jeep since they were only warned not to ride the tricycle but walk they did till finally they heard the word "relaaaaax". The application of the knots came after the written exam, where she kept messing up the tautline, which she had perfectly executed just hours ago on the bus. Worried as they were that they were not going to complete all 6 stations, they marched on to the registration booth of Mt. Daguldol. There she saw the station she knew she was most likely to flunk, the stove operation. Though her brand new lighter, which she had purposely brought for that specific function failed her, she did her best. on the plus side, someone was there to console her… a very affectionate dog that is. With only two stations left, they more or less knew where they were headed. As they made their way to a very very long trek, their four-legged friend decided to join them and refused to retreat and even whimpered when he sensed that they wanted to leave him behind. Barely halfway to the next station, Carla stopped her car and instructed them to go back to camp.

To be continued...

oh no. no no no

2006-09-28T04:33:00.000-07:00

i completely forgot to review for the orienteering weekend. this is not good...not being able to come to all but one review session, i might just flunk this. all those hardwork.... but with the rain and food and my family being complete, studying was not really appealing. oh well... i've survived college with cramming, maybe i will with bmc too. miracles do happen right?

emotional? or maybe stressed.

2006-09-26T23:48:00.000-07:00

i've been listening to the AMCI hymn and suddenly found myself looking back at those 4 or so months of training. i remember my eagerness and anxiety on the morning of june 18, 2006. i did not know what to expect, it was like plunging into the unknown for me, but nonetheless i was enthusiastic about the whole thing. little did i know that it will lead me to one of the greatest adventure of my existence. i still can't believe the things i went through for a sport that was vaguely familiar to me. and i feel sad right now, as with every closing of chapters. the experiences i shared with people i barely knew are flashing before me right now. the first time i lifted that huge pack, being harassed by the cows, crying on the wall climbing and rappelling activity, crying again on the trail after tey's revenge, cooking hotdog for a bunch of strangers and the list goes on and on. i have come to love this sport and almost everything that came with it...

enough drama..i still have to study for our final quiz.

rumor has it

2006-09-26T11:20:00.000-07:00

there have been speculations that i was quitting the BMC. i've been asked about it a couple of times and somehow i was on the list of the supposed people who complained about the training. i am breaking my silence...here's the truth as i know it.

as i was skipping (hah! i wish) down the trail of mt. ugo on the 3rd day i did thought that i was ready to trade in my technically new dry-fit shirt (training shirt being an urban legend and all) and hiking boots with my trusty cotton shirts and my oh-so-lovable stilettos. now, don't get me wrong...i did enjoy Ugo. it was "fab" as TB promised. i just thought that i had gotten all that i could out of this experience. i wanted a new adventure. i guess my "gemini" attitude kicked in... i got bored. not about the sport but the training. "i lost my motivation" were words that came out from my mouth. it got too habitual for me. doing something you don't really enjoy over and over again can get to you sometimes. i'm sorry but i am just not the type who gets "high" when running.

also, i have to admit i got pissed. i know that i am amongst the youngest of the trainees but that doesn't necessarily mean "you" get to boss me around. i am 21 years old not 7. "power trip" was never tolerated in high school, what makes "you" think that it will be now.

BUT i have decided to push through. with only orienteering weekend left, i would have to be insane to quit the training now.

membership is a whole 'nother story. not only do i doubt that i'll make the cut in the 15k run but i have come to the conclusion that i will never be the great mountaineer i would have hoped to be. and if the only reason pushing me to pursue membership would be "my sister is going to kill me" then don't you guys agree that it's just not a very good idea. yes, i have enjoyed this experience greatly, more than i can put into words. and yes, i still see mountains in my furture..just not in the near future. maybe someday i'd even try to conquer Apo...and hopefully it would be with the likes of Alman and Bajay, the people who i see have great passion for the mountains.

BUT we'll see. you can never can tell... and mums the word for whoever "you" is or maybe its "you-s". haha...

everything that can possibly go wrong... did!

2006-09-21T07:18:00.000-07:00

"i am not the strongest of climbers" would be an understatement, i am actually one of the weakest. so you can imagine their surprise when i announced that i was joining TC4. (someone's reaction was less than amusing but let's just not get into that right now). anyhoo, my sister and i had long planned that we were joining tc4, wherever it may take us. i cannot speak for her but my reason was simple "this maybe my last chance to climb ever". i wanted to suck up all the experiences i possibly can out of this training because i know that i will soon have to close this chapter of my life. ironically though, the universe conspired a different path for me. even before the 1st pre-climb meeting, i was already unsure if i should go. something was telling me not to... and that feeling grew stronger as each day progress. and there were signs along the way that kept bugging me. i even dreamt that Bajay got injured in the recon and the climb was cancelled. but i dismissed it telling myself that there was only one thing that could stop me from going... but as they say, be careful what you wish for. so here i am now, stuck in my room typing my disappointment away. i know that there has got to be reason that i am here now and not on that bus... i just have to be on the lookout for whatever that reason maybe. so for now, i send my good thoughts to those riding that bus, may everything conspire perfectly.

a public apology

2006-09-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

i would not blame the alcohol for i know that i was responsible for my own actions. i have no excuse whatsoever for my behavior on our 2nd night at Ugo and i don't intend to make up one. no one forced me to drink and i could have stopped at any time. so here i am now...humbly saying "I AM SORRY".

first off, i apologize to Jeng. i do curse a lot when i'm drunk...and i'm really sorry if most of it were directed at you.

i apologize to Sir Bojo and the rest of the group. i know we were suppose to be "relax" but i got a little out of hand. i'm sorry if i may have said things that went over the line.

i apologize to my sister. i know you're not used to seeing me that way and it really was not my best moment. i'm sorry for forcing you to take that shot even though i knew you don't really drink. i'm sorry if i may have disrespected you in any way. i'm sorry if i had embarrassed you.

i apologize to the rest of the team. i was rude, really noisy and quite frankly pretty annoying.

i apologize to Bajay. i still can't believe i said those things. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.

and of course, sorry to mt. ugo. i was not able to show the respect it truly deserve. i forgot to honor the serenity of the place.

mt. ugo here i come

2006-08-31T08:17:00.000-07:00

TC3 kinda took us by surprise. but i must admit that i'm quite excited. it's our first multi-day climb and i wonder what wonders it has in store for us. i'm contemplating on whether i should bring my SLR or not. i am a very clumsy girl and i'm afraid that by the end of the climb, my camera would have cuts and scrapes much similar to the ones i had in Malipunyo. we'll see. bajay is our trail master, i'm pretty sure my sister will miss him on the sweeper's group. haha..peace achie. also i found out that we'll be crossing a freakin' hanging bridge...i wonder, will tears begin to fall? i have yet cried on a climb (exception when i got teary eyed on the back dive) and i plan to keep it that way. i really want to do good on this climb especially since all the trainees in my group are strong climbers. and also because some of my TC1 groupmates are with me, i don't want them to think i have not improved at all. my right ankle is acting up though, i hope it goes away by thursday. well...good luck to me.

is the rumor about a haunted tree true? a lady apparently committed suicide. pls tell me it's a joke. please. i'll bring my crucifix just in case. haha...

malipunyo thoughts - day 2

2006-08-25T01:26:00.000-07:00

i lost track of time that day so bear with me...

Sunday 08-20-2006 3:40 AM
"i don't wanna wake up yet. i wanna sleep. (susan saying something about how she had a hard time sleeping...) i am not a morning person. i need an hour before i start talking. (susan saying something about sliding down as she sleeps) just ignore her muna...maybe she'll stop when i don't respond. i wanna sleep pa... (susan telling me she'll change na) aaaah...ok. i still have 15min. (susan telling me she'll fix her things na) susan, i really really don't talk at this early in the morning. im sorry."

Sunday 08-20-2006 around 4:30 - 6:00 AM (it's raining)
"aaaaarrrrggghhh....sOoOoO cold. it's freezing. i hope they'll make the trail easier. wait, maybe Sky did his rain dance last night. why does he hate us? why? why? why? aaaah.. lamig. pls stop raining na. stop it. waaaah...

sunday 08-20-2006 (start of trek)
"here we go again. we are trekking as a group now. i wonder what Malipunyo and Sky have in store for us now. oh well. good luck to us. "

sunday 08-20-2006 (lunch)
"hmmm...this is nice. the water is cold. this is the start of the river trek i guess. and this is the last chance for the short cut. this the last chance to escape. but no, i know i have to do this. slowly but surely i'll make it."

Sunday 08-20-2006 (by a huge rock)
"move you stupid foot. (Dyake telling me to just bend it and step). hey you, c'mon move it. just listen to what he is saying:bend and step. ayaw. dali na. it's taking too long. just step. ok, 1-2-3 step. AYAW!!!! it has the mind of it's own."

Sunday 08-20-2006 (water was too high, we had to float on our pack)
"what the heck! my bag is heavier. am i that tired? what a minute, may water sa loob. oh siyet. cellphone ko!!!!!! siyet!"

Sunday 08-20-2006 (more water)
" cellphone ko. cellphone ko. cellphone ko. did the water really got inside the bag? cellphone ko. cellphone ko."

Sunday 08-20-2006 (passing by Sir Bojo)
"daya ni achie ah nagshort cut. she even had Sir Bojo carry her bag. hmmm...but i do know she would have continued if she can. un pa. si ms. adventure willing to try anything. too bad she'll miss the back dive."

sunday 08-20-2006 (lagoon slide)
"wihee...this is fun. it really is. and the place looks beautiful.. never in my life have i imagined i'll ever get to be here. ha! can't wait to tell dad. and he thought i'll never have the courage to actually do this."

sunday 08-20-2006
"will this ever end????? how freakin' long is this river?! my whole body is aching. why did i ever join? why? oooops. a log. and my stupid feet are stuck again. help!!!! ok, 1-2-3 step. dammit. my feet really have a mind of their own. ok, thanks Dyake. again."

sunday 08-20-2006 (backdive)
"this is it. hmm...i thought Angie has already been here, why is she still afraid? aba si paulo na, niiice. it's our turn. nauna na si GL Dyake. there goes Mike and Janice. me? why me? jay, you first pls. ok. me it is. oh.my.god. oh.my.god. i can't do this. i can't. squat daw. ok. i will bump my head and die. oh no. how do u just let go??? how??? push me. just push me now. i can't i can't. shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!"

sunday 08-20-2006 around 5:30 PM
"headlamps na? so night trek it is. this is gonna be tough. are we going to spend the night here? what about snakes? and other animals. we have to move it. i won't be able to see where we're going. bahala na ulit. push push push."

sunday 08-20-2006 (after passing sweepers Bajay and Jay sitting by a rock)
"2 hours to go????? are they serious? waaah. no way. but im going as fast as i can. no way. whaaaat???? i wanna go home. i wonder where's achie. probably all clean by now. isn't this river gonna end? is this river eventually gonna lead us to the sea? or the ocean? stupid river!!!!"

sunday 08-20-2006 around 11:00 PM
"it's a highway! hallelujah! yehey!!! thank GOD!!!! yehey!!!! wipee!!!"

malipunyo thoughts - day 1

2006-08-24T23:56:00.000-07:00

apparently many observed that i did not talk as i trekked. it's true. i don't. i'm having a hard time as it is...i just don't have time to talk. that's what those thumb signs are for. BUT it doesn't mean my mind is blank. here's some of what goes on on my mind along the trail.

friday 08-18-2006 10:00 AM
"i don't want to go. i really don't. i don't feel too well. bahala na."

saturday 08-19-2006 12:30 AM
"this is it. am i really doing this? is it raining? oh dear God i hope it isn't, or maybe i hope it is...whatever. better get ready."

saturday 08-19-2006 around 3:30 AM
"i can still back out. i can still text my dad. aaaaaaarrrrrggghhhh.... WHAT am i doing? what did i get myself into?"

saturday 08-19-2006 around 6:00 - 6:30 AM
"dear God, do take care of us. i do hope we reach the campsite before nighfall. (i hear the words "and lastly pls do take care of our loved ones if we do not make it....) what the f***?! diyos ko po. uuwi na ko. waaaah... it's too late. or baka kaya ko pa habulin yun bus. wala na. God oh God, guide me through this mountain and my sister as well. i know i can do this with you by my side. waaaaaaaaah!!!!!!"

saturday 08-19-2006 around 10:00 - 10-30 AM (second slippery wall to climb with a rope) "SPIDER!no way no way no way. @#*%$!!!!! i hate spiders. no way!!!! stay there. pls...pls... pls...ok, now go. 1-2-3. aaaaah..mike wait let go. my face is hitting the rocks. don't push. aaaaah...."

saturday 08-19-2006 around lunchtime (climbing Nampucha Peak)
"siyet, siyet, siyet!!!!!! i don't want to die. Oh.My.God. SSSSSKKKKKYYYYYYYYY!!!!! what did i ever do to you?! SSSSSSKKKKKYYYYY!!!!!!! i can do this. i can. i must. ah siyet. (sweeper Jay says sige kaya mo yan. para matuto ka) i am fucking dangling here a little help won't hurt. wala ng silbi ang mga matututunan ko if im six feet underground. aaaarggh...(Bajay asks Jay to help me out) thanks Bajay!"

saturday 08-19-2006 around 4:00 - 5:00 PM (we have just passed the cross)
"if i only i could do this with my eyes closed....oh dear, no mumu pls. it's so quiet here. only susan was talking, asking me if we were on the right track. susan, sssshhhh....we might disturb sleeping souls. where's Dyake? are we getting lost? i want to look back but i'm scared that it won't be Dyake behind me. where is he? waaah...susan, im scared. malayo pa b? where the heck is Rendo? i can't hear anything? siyet. what if i see something? waaaaah... ah basta, i just have to keep walking. at least i have susan with me. si susan pa nga kaya to? waaaaah... dammit.
(after passing the second cross)
"yiheee!!!!! woohoo!!!! thank God. yey! yey! yey!

saturday 08-19-2006 (somewhere in the sagingan)

"i think Dyake is either pissed or bored with us. we're really slow. and he's not talking anymore. sorry GL. Dyake. say something. woohoo. actually best not to talk. less energy exerted. just keep on walking and walking and walking and walking."

saturday 08-19-2006 around 6:00 PM
"WE'RE HERE!!!!!!! yey!!!! hallelujah! hallelujah! hallelujah!!!!!!!! i cannot believe it. we're here na"

my triumph over the Standard Australian Lizard

2006-08-04T00:07:00.000-07:00

I had been internalizing since I received Angie's mail and saw the horrifying pictures. I even had trouble sleeping. but no amount of internalizing could have prepared me for that...5 floors up. and 5 floors down. 3 techniques. all designed to give you a heart attack, one for each! and that rope was tied to a very suspicious, rusty, old gate. now tell me, would you have just smiled and said "bring it on!" hmmm...maybe some of them did say that. but not me. no no no. people were looking at me expectantly. I guess they were waiting for the "waterworks". but I was still smiling... no tears in sight, yet. but my mind went " " the moment we stepped into that building. I was telling myself, no way in hell will I do that. you can drag my feet and tie me to the rope, but I will never step on to the ledge. I will kick. I will scream. I will bite anyone who tries to make me.

the first chapter: Standard rappelling

the anticipation was building up with every step I took. I was having enough trouble with climbing up to do anymore thinking. and when i reached the 5th floor "oh oh". they started strapping the harness and i just couldn't keep it in anymore, tears everywhere. tear after tear after tear. i was grasping for breath. even Paulo's "nanginginig" na paa wasn't even enough to make me smile (bumawi ako after) but jay's frantic shout for his mommy did. it was too hilarious not to. before I knew it, my turn already. and the tears were at it again. i guess the Makati rescue people saw my fear (everybody did) so one of them volunteered to accompany me on my way down...at some point he was the one pulling my rope. and everybody was running to catch up with me on every floor. but i could pretty much see and hear only one person: my sister. the rest was a blur. after a couple more thug and whole lot of sweating..finally "thump". my feet on the ground. i did it!!!!!! i finally heard the cheering of my fellow trainees and other members. i called my dad during lunch...his voice was enough to make me brave for the last two.

chapter 2: the not so slimy Lizard

this i have to say was the worst of them all. when you step off the ledge, first you sit on the rope. slowly you lean back...and then you flip. you actually flip. you are upside down. you actually feel like you're falling...the worst position of all. i kept my eyes close. they were shouting at me to open them so that i could see any obstacle but i couldn't. i knew that if i did, i would have given up right then and there. no questions asked i would have jst quit. so as much as i'd rather have done it with a little more dignity, i opted to just keep 'em shut and just pull pull pull. they say i did it faster than some but how could i not when all i was thinking was "i would have a heart attack or panic attack if i didn't pull that freakin' rope." never mind the bumps or cuts that i could incur, i would live. the important thing is my feet hitting that slippery muddy green plank. and it did.

chapter 3: do it the aussie way
again..i shut my eyes and hoped for the best. this is like plunging to the unknown... except i did knew where i'll end up. the key here was BALANCE, something i never gained/learned. and u had to open your arms wide. even the hand holding the rope has to be kept away from the body. so imagine me dangling on a rope and twirling. i tried not to panic but you're twirling 3 floors up, how was i suppose to stay calm??? but the more you panic the more u twirl so again i just kept pulling and pulling. it did feel like i was floating especially with my eyes close. i tell you, it was not a very good feeling. all i wanted to hear where the words "stop". in all honesty, i think have begun to form an attachment to that still muddy, very hard, solid, green board. though it did not serve any comfy purposes, it always always signified my safe return. (hahaha...parang galing moon) when my feet finally thumps that piece of wood, only then can i smile again. more like rejoice actually.

so there you go. i did it. not with much dignity as i would have preferred but that would do. i can finally give myself that pat on the back. i had overcome my fear even for just a few seconds. i wonder...can i know use that "shangri-la escalator"? hmmm..we'll see.

rastafarian rendezvous: the night as i remember it

2006-07-30T21:59:00.000-07:00

it has been a while since i went out...being a "bum" doesn't really pay well. so yes, you can say i was looking forward to to our "rasta night". and seeing my fellow trainees in normal clothes is something i've been looking forward to. can you imagine us with no sweat pants, no knee support, no running shoes? aaaah..it was definitely something. upon arriving at the party, i was greeted with comments such as "pinaghandaan talga". but really, those were my normal clothes. except for the "reggae inspired" beannie, i was pretty much wearing the same clothes that i normally wear when i'm out (not on a night out maybe). anyways, we arrived there with only but a few trainees and a couple of members. i was eager for the party to get started knowing for a fact that before the clock even strikes midnight my mom will already be on the phone nagging us "to get our butts home". but there being pretty much nothing else to do, camera flashes were everywhere. i guess everyone was grabbing the opprtunity to look humanely decent for the next batch of uploaded pics. at around 10, there were still but a few guests to officially start the party so i decided to eat and grab a can of san mig light. i knew i can handle three before i get "tipsy", and i thought i would be sent home before i even reach the third one. well..that was before i met this guy "Arlene". i had just finish my first can when he handed me a glass of what i thought was JUST BEER. well i was wrong...after that glass, things were pretty much a blur. and when i get started i don't know when to stop. i was cornered by him a couple more times...and well these were the following events that i'd much sooner forget but i don't think my fellow trainees will let me (particularly Aries):

i invaded people's personal space. i was hugging anyone in sight. but just the girls. there was Jhoana, Angie, Nette, May...im not really sure if there are others. i think Genie too.
i was "woohoo-ing" to everything.
i joined Batch 2k3 for their picture. apparently after the words "batch 2003" was shouted, i jumped out from nowhere. i almost forgot this if not for Aries reminding me yesterday.
i let it slipped. a secret only three people knew. now some bald guy knows.
again, i let it slipped. a code name only a few knew. now the very person who owns the code name, knows. shit. i remember this quite accurately. i remember my head telling me to "sshhhh" but my mouth was out of control.
i was saying "hi" to everyone. let it be known, i am not a friendly person when i'm sober.
i was annoyingly noisy.
i was pulling people to get their pictures taken with their crush.
i was speaking VERY BAD ENGLISH at some point.
i was begging Sir Bojo to adopt me for TC2.
i shrieked. a lot.
i called TB, chismoso.
i was doing roll call. a stupid thing i apparently do when i've had a couple of drinks.
a lot of other stupid things.

so there u go. i made a fool out of myself yet again. i guess i won't be drinking for a loOoOoOng time...hopefully. but let me just say this again "I wasn't DRUNK". haha..

bajay's pics

claire's pics

my pics

just to let it out

2006-07-30T08:18:00.000-07:00

one cannot force oneself to write. so lemme just say i did it. I DID IT! I really freakin' DID IT! will elaborate on this entry tomorow. my knees are killing me at the moment. i need to sleep. but i still can't believe that i could do it pala. thanks to all the encouragement..and a lot of help from these people: aries. may. paulo. achi. bajay. yey!!!!!! *jumps around* yey! yey! yey!

the wall

2006-07-29T00:13:00.000-07:00

they say "a picture can paint a thousand words"... only but a few were painted on my mind. "you are sending yourself to an early grave". "what the heck are you getting yourself into." "OH.MY.GOD." and "hmm..alman always has kick-ass pictures."

a few more hours and i'll be the one dangling on those ropes... as much as i'd rather stay home and sleep the day away, i was already warned by some AMCI members to better show up. some even referred to it as the "best training day". reeeaaally now...

last sunday alone was a HUGE challenge for me. thoughts much similar to those stated above were swirling on my head... it was only one floor high but to me it looked like a hundred story building, it was my Everest. i fought so hard not to let my fear get in the way, but honestly after hearing terror stories from the lecturer who could blame me? after an overwhelming coaxing from fellow trainees and members, i forced myself to go up there and be done with it. lemme just say everything went blank when i was up there. i could hear them but their words were like those of a buzzing bee. i was ON MY OWN. it was just me, the rope and the wall. i wanted to cry again, but i couldn't..literally. every step was an achievement and an obstacle. each step was bringing me closer to the top, but each step was also leading me higher and higher. the words "Don't look down" are not applicable, how the hell am i suppose to know where to land my foot next. but i did it. i reached the top... yet again, that was not the end of it. i had to come down too right? and this was not a simpler taskin any way. this was an actual execution of my fear, this is where my fear lies...the falling down. i hang on to the rope with every might. i could never describe the feeling i got when my feet finally landed on the cushion. i wanted to jump. i wanted to laugh. i wanted to hug anyone (preferably "you-know-who). i wanted to cry. but then again, maybe my huge smile said it all.

though i am proud of the fact that i was able to climb that wall..TWICE. i'd much sooner forget that i also bawled like a baby in front of all those people, not to mention a "crushie" (i sound like a high school giddy girl don't i?).

but i guess i got no one but myself to blame. i was the one who signed up for this, might as well go ahead with it. as i've said before, one damn training day at a time. wish me luck!